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Who would you rather Date?Jessica, Layla, Alice, Sophie, or KC?
*This is just a POLL that is all, Nothing else. I want to do a poll to see which personality/look combo is best, it's vague, but answer anyways, thanks. anyone can answer, I'm just doing a POLL!
_______________

1.Jessica: dark brown hair, green eyes, popular, but humble. funny, energetic, laid back, cute but not pretty.

2.Layla: natural black hair, almond eyes,beautiful but shy and soft spoken. sweet, submissive, but also very independent.

3.Alice: red hair, fiery, sassy, sexy & naughty, but full of drama, outspoken, brutally honest

4)Sophie: light brownish-blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful & popular, but boring personality.

5) KC: brown hair,brown eyes, fun, interesting & weird, a loner (but the confident type of loner) really funny and don't care about what anyone else thinks. open-minded, smart and likes to talk about controversial topics.

Jessica, more of my type of personality

With these character descriptions, have I picked good names?
I've followed Stephen King's age old advice and put down my story and started a new one to get my mind off of the old one before returning to it.

I need names for these three characters:

-The boy. Soccer megastar in high school, really sweet, really popular, semi attractive. Very smart, very friendly. Buzzed head, brown eyes, semi large nose. Tall, muscular. Low voice. Dresses preppy. Asked Girl One to date him on the Eiffel tower (she thought it was too sweet to say no to). They were best friends before they dated.
His name is Sam.

-Girl One. The boy's girlfriend BUT she discovers she is gay (for girl two) She is much quieter than Boy, but very sweet, very funny. Plays girls soccer, is good, but not a megastar. Brown wavy hair, big blue eyes. Pretty in a different way. Kind of girl that wears messenger bags and trendy scarves around her neck. Always chipped nail polish. Cute.
Her name is Ali (which is my name, but there's no connection)

-Girl Two: a year younger than the other two. Painfully shy around Girl One because she's had a crush on her for a long long time, but friendly with most of her grade. Very petite, very sweet. Long long blonde hair, brown eyes, usually wears dresses and always has a manicure. Very feminine. High, clear voice. Perfect teeth.
Her name is Sophie.

What do you think of these names for them?

I think you did perfect with names. And I really love the names, too. :) Except, on girl 2 (Sophie), it says she's shy around girl 1 (Ali) because she has a crush on her. Was that a typo? Ha... Did you mean have a crush on boy (Sam)?

Great job on names. =]

Can anyone help me get started with this story?
Ok, so I was thinking of typing up a story on word pad on my computer. It is going to be about 4 girls. Though, I need ideas for the plot.

Heres a little bit about each girl:

Tiffany- Tiffany is a spoiled brat who has everything from designer clothes to Juicy Couture alarm clocks. She has Dirty Blonde hair that covers her eyes. Her eyes are a sparkling blue, kind of like the ocean.

www.absolutestockphoto.com/photo_…

Like that, but no glasses and her hair covers her eyes.

Lily- Lily is a girl with orangish blonde hair and light light green eyes. She is richer than Tiffany but does not show off. She thinks life is better without teeny problems like that. She usually wears a T-shirt, Levis, and sneakers. Occasionally, she is seen with a Juicy sweat hoodie on cold days.

She looks like this: img.photobucket.com/albums/v398/B…

Serena: Serena is a sweet girl who takes kindness to heart. She is not rich, but she is not poor. She has brunette hair and brown eyes. She is usually seen wearing V-Necks and capris.

i31.photobucket.com/albums/c356/d…

She looks like that, but without the blue eyes.

Now last but not least,

Dawn- Dawn is a newcomer to Chicago. She moved to Chicago from Florida and is sort of used to the crowded streets and expensive shops. She is what you would call "Half-Rich." She loves to meet new people and is sweet. She is usually seen in shirt-dresses and jeans. She has strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes.

OTHER CHARACTERS:
Sophie- Sophie is one of Dawn's freinds and is her first.

Lassie- Lassie is another popular girl in the story.

Felicia & Alicia- Twin sisters from Great Brittian who wear Burberry and talk in similar voices.

Now you know! SO please help? It took me very long to write this question.

Well, the plot depends on the genre of story you want to write.

I imagine a story with 4 girls will be very dramatic. Maybe a high school scene where none of them really talk to each other and at the end of the book they become friends. Or they are all competing for the same spot on a team and become total enemies.

Also remember, when writing a short story it is best to keep your main characters to a minimum. Even when writing a novel, good details are better than unneeded characters.

I hope I helped a bit

Is this a good first chapter?
I've edited and it came out great to me, but please don't hesitate to point out errors. Criticism would help a lot. ENJOY!

“The murder cases of Sarah Dempsey, Giselle De Luca and Harrison Montgomery are still open and their killer still at large. Police have reason to believe that Parker Morris, a peer of all three, was the murderer.”

Sophie Miller stared blankly at the red-headed reporter on the television screen. Warm steam arose from her “Best-Daughter-in-the-World” coffee mug; her parents got a matching one for her sister, Valery, on her birthday too. It was winter break and Sophie was home from Penn State, to celebrate the holidays with her family. It was a shame that she wasn’t in a “jolly” mood.

The two girls on the television screen were her best friends, and the guy was her boyfriend. Every single time they mention anything about their murders, her mood turns sour and she doesn’t say a word to anyone the entire day. She had to move away from her home in Philadelphia over to Virginia, just because the horrible memories and all press reporters bombarding the house. The only reason she goes to Penn State is because she’d always wanted to. The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years.

~*~

Giselle, Sarah, Harrison and Sophie, along with their other friends Lara Lerman and Preston Vanderbilt, skipped their strict private school and headed over to Sarah’s empty castle-like house. The act of skipping was impulsive, but they found something to do. Sarah’s parents were on their fifth honeymoon, so they sent her with her grandparents three blocks away, so they weren’t going to have someone walking and getting them in trouble. At least that’s what they thought.

Once inside, Sophie remembered the large foyer with two grand staircases on both sides, and the luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun. The quiet giggles and building excitement that was coming from all six of them. Sophie had never been alone with just guys from her age group; she would never imagine she would be alone with boys at that.

Sarah had turned to them, her gray eyes bright with bliss. Sophie always told her that her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. She had her pink lips turned up in an innocent smile.

“We can do anything we want here!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Then she looked at Giselle and Lara, giving them a smile.

“Let’s go play ‘Space Monkey’, whoever gets to the top of the stairs first, is the first to go.” She said, immediately running up the stairs. Giselle, Lara and Preston followed. Sophie winced at the thought of the game. ‘Space Monkey’ is just a cover name for the chocking game, something she wasn’t planning on ever doing. She slowly climbed up the stairs, Harrison following her. He didn’t like the game either.

When they got to the top they saw the four of them in Sarah’s bedroom, fighting over who would be going first. Sophie rolled her eyes at their bickering; Harrison let out a small chuckle and shook his head.
Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. The sun shone in from the window creating sharp columns of light on the floor. Harrison sat down on the bare wood and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her ever since that one day last April, and although she didn't make it known, she liked him too. Her eyes glanced briefly at him, just quick enough to see his deep green eyes and his dark brown hair that poked up in a fringe. He was so sweet to her that she couldn't help it; she was kind of in love.

There was a disturbing sound in the other room. Sarah and Preston, left holding hands running down the stairs. Giselle appeared around the corner, looking a bit confused. Then Lara came, out of breath. There were deep red marks circling her neck.

“What happened?” Sophie asked, a little confused herself. Giselle shrugged and sat next to Harrison. She looked at Lara and patted the floor next to her, signaling her to sit down. Lara shook her head, “I have to use the bathroom, and I’ll be back.” She took off down the stairs, even though there was a bathroom in Sarah’s room.

For a while, the three of them talked about school, life at home and other small talk subjects. Giselle seemed a little pensive, but Sophie decided whatever she was thinking about, was probably personal. Twenty minutes passed and Lara came up the stairs with Preston, gripping his arm tightly. She was frightened by something, and it was obvious. Sophie, Harrison and Giselle looked at them very worried.

“Where’s Sarah?” Harrison asked, looking at Preston’s calm expression.

Lara sniffled, looking down. “She left.” Preston said.

I agreed with xoxoxoxo. Im just not into this type of book, nothing against you.

In the beginning though, you are too specific. Don't say Penn State, just say college. You have to try to make the opening scene more cozy. Having specific names makes it feel too real (although you can still reveal that information once the mood is set). Try to mystify the mood. Describe the snow falling gently outside, the warming fire and the crackling sound the wood makes as it is slowly consumed by the fire. Make it a lonely night, too.

"The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years."

Please dont keep that in there.

Once the mood is set, then go to the flashback. Have the reader contrast the warm loneness of the cottage with the upbeat and adventurous flashback.

"luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun."

I like this, ALOT. :) Nice alliteration.

Anyway, I'm short on time, but all I have to say is try to imagine you ARE Sophie, and not just 3rd person. It will make the story much better.

Also, looking at your story, Im pretty sure you live in the UK. Im not sure how much different it is then U.S. literature, but take my criticism with a grain of salt.

Constructive criticism please?
I've edited and it came out great to me, but please don't hesitate to point out errors. Criticism would help a lot. ENJOY!

“The murder cases of Sarah Dempsey, Giselle De Luca and Harrison Montgomery are still open and their killer still at large. Police have reason to believe that Parker Morris, a peer of all three, was the murderer.”

Sophie Miller stared blankly at the red-headed reporter on the television screen. Warm steam arose from her “Best-Daughter-in-the-World” coffee mug; her parents got a matching one for her sister, Valery, on her birthday too. It was winter break and Sophie was home from Penn State, to celebrate the holidays with her family. It was a shame that she wasn’t in a “jolly” mood.

The two girls on the television screen were her best friends, and the guy was her boyfriend. Every single time they mention anything about their murders, her mood turns sour and she doesn’t say a word to anyone the entire day. She had to move away from her home in Philadelphia over to Virginia, just because the horrible memories and all press reporters bombarding the house. The only reason she goes to Penn State is because she’d always wanted to. The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years.

~*~

Giselle, Sarah, Harrison and Sophie, along with their other friends Lara Lerman and Preston Vanderbilt, skipped their strict private school and headed over to Sarah’s empty castle-like house. The act of skipping was impulsive, but they found something to do. Sarah’s parents were on their fifth honeymoon, so they sent her with her grandparents three blocks away, so they weren’t going to have someone walking and getting them in trouble. At least that’s what they thought.

Once inside, Sophie remembered the large foyer with two grand staircases on both sides, and the luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun. The quiet giggles and building excitement that was coming from all six of them. Sophie had never been alone with just guys from her age group; she would never imagine she would be alone with boys at that.

Sarah had turned to them, her gray eyes bright with bliss. Sophie always told her that her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. She had her pink lips turned up in an innocent smile.

“We can do anything we want here!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Then she looked at Giselle and Lara, giving them a smile.

“Let’s go play ‘Space Monkey’, whoever gets to the top of the stairs first, is the first to go.” She said, immediately running up the stairs. Giselle, Lara and Preston followed. Sophie winced at the thought of the game. ‘Space Monkey’ is just a cover name for the chocking game, something she wasn’t planning on ever doing. She slowly climbed up the stairs, Harrison following her. He didn’t like the game either.

When they got to the top they saw the four of them in Sarah’s bedroom, fighting over who would be going first. Sophie rolled her eyes at their bickering; Harrison let out a small chuckle and shook his head.
Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. The sun shone in from the window creating sharp columns of light on the floor. Harrison sat down on the bare wood and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her ever since that one day last April, and although she didn't make it known, she liked him too. Her eyes glanced briefly at him, just quick enough to see his deep green eyes and his dark brown hair that poked up in a fringe. He was so sweet to her that she couldn't help it; she was kind of in love.

There was a disturbing sound in the other room. Sarah and Preston, left holding hands running down the stairs. Giselle appeared around the corner, looking a bit confused. Then Lara came, out of breath. There were deep red marks circling her neck.

“What happened?” Sophie asked, a little confused herself. Giselle shrugged and sat next to Harrison. She looked at Lara and patted the floor next to her, signaling her to sit down. Lara shook her head, “I have to use the bathroom, and I’ll be back.” She took off down the stairs, even though there was a bathroom in Sarah’s room.

For a while, the three of them talked about school, life at home and other small talk subjects. Giselle seemed a little pensive, but Sophie decided whatever she was thinking about, was probably personal. Twenty minutes passed and Lara came up the stairs with Preston, gripping his arm tightly. She was frightened by something, and it was obvious. Sophie, Harrison and Giselle looked at them very worried.

“Where’s Sarah?” Harrison asked, looking at Preston’s calm expression.

Lara sniffled, looking down. “She left.” Preston said.

The opening sentence of any story must be sharp and capable of enticing the reader to read on. I would suggest your first sentence is a little long, and there are too many names held within the first few lines which only serve to confuse the reader. I noticed you have used present and past tense in the same sentence, and there are words which can happily be discarded. In competitions it is imperative we use the word count given, and it is therefore important to ensure we don't waste words. I would suggest you take a look at www.playspoetryandprose.com where you will find workshops and advice. I hope you find the site helpful - I set it up at the end of last year and it's still a baby, being tweaked again this weekend as it happens. Any advice you can give me on making the site more helpful would be appreciated.

Take time to read through your story again, and again, and amend. You will find the story 'tighter' and 'sharper' for the reader. I will happily read it again and critique it if you would like me too. Just let me know when you're ready.

Best wishes
May

Is my writing good SO FAR?
Someone has called it simple yet decriptive. CRITIZE PLEASE!!!

“The murder cases of Sarah Dempsey, Giselle De Luca and Harrison Montgomery are still open and their killer still at large. Police have reason to believe that Parker Morris, a peer of all three, was the murderer.”

Sophie Miller stared blankly at the red-headed reporter on the television screen. Warm steam arose from her “Best-Daughter-in-the-World” coffee mug; her parents got a matching one for her sister, Valery, on her birthday too. It was winter break and Sophie was home from Penn State, to celebrate the holidays with her family. It was a shame that she wasn’t in a “jolly” mood.

The two girls on the television screen were her best friends, and the guy was her boyfriend. Every single time they mention anything about their murders, her mood turns sour and she doesn’t say a word to anyone the entire day. She had to move away from her home in Philadelphia over to Virginia, just because the horrible memories and all press reporters bombarding the house. The only reason she goes to Penn State is because she’d always wanted to. The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years.

~*~

Giselle, Sarah, Harrison and Sophie, along with their other friends Lara Lerman and Preston Vanderbilt, skipped their strict private school and headed over to Sarah’s empty castle-like house. The act of skipping was impulsive, but they found something to do. Sarah’s parents were on their fifth honeymoon, so they sent her with her grandparents three blocks away, so they weren’t going to have someone walking and getting them in trouble. At least that’s what they thought.

Once inside, Sophie remembered the large foyer with two grand staircases on both sides, and the luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun. The quiet giggles and building excitement that was coming from all six of them. Sophie had never been alone with just guys from her age group; she would never imagine she would be alone with boys at that.

Sarah had turned to them, her gray eyes bright with bliss. Her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. She had her pink lips turned up in an innocent smile.

“We can do anything we want here!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Then she looked at Giselle and Lara, giving them a smile.

“Let’s go play ‘Space Monkey’, whoever gets to the top of the stairs first, is the first to go.” She said, immediately running up the stairs. Giselle, Lara and Preston followed. Sophie winced at the thought of the game. ‘Space Monkey’ is just a cover name for the chocking game, something she wasn’t planning on ever doing. She slowly climbed up the stairs, Harrison following her. He didn’t like the game either.

When they got to the top they saw the four of them in Sarah’s bedroom, already started. They had Preston be the Chocker, since he was the strongest. The look on Sarah’s face looked peaceful, Sophie knew if Sarah would have died of strangulation; she’d look like an angel.

Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. Harrison sat down on the floor and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her and she liked him too. She looked at him, his deep green eyes and his fringe dark brown hair. And he was so sweet and kind to her, she was kind of in love.

There was a disturbing yell in the other room, Sarah and Preston, left holding hands running down the stairs. Giselle and Lara appeared around the corner, looking a bit confused.

“What happened?” Sophie asked, a little confused herself. Giselle shrugged and sat next to Harrison. She looked at Lara and patted the floor next to her, signaling her to sit down. Lara shook her head, “I have to use the bathroom, and I’ll be back.” She took off down the stairs, even though there was a bathroom in Sarah’s room.

For a while, the three of them talked about school, life at home and other small talk subjects. Giselle seemed a little pensive, but Sophie decided whatever she was thinking about, was probably personal. Twenty minutes passed and Lara came up the stairs with Preston, gripping his arm tightly. She was frightened by something, and it was obvious. Sophie, Harrison and Giselle looked at them very worried.

“Where’s Sarah?” Harrison asked, looking at Preston’s calm expression.

Lara sniffled, looking down. “She left.” Preston said.

Not bad, but not great. A few grammar mistakes. I advise reading it out loud so it is easier to find mistakes. Try rewriting it again and see what you come up with. I have to agree that it is simple. Try using a few big words in your writing, but not too many. Maybe throw in two or at the most three large words.
I also have the same problem. I prefer a simple writing style and don't like to use words people don't know. But you are the writer and if that's your style then that's your style. I doubt I'm going to change my style because people think it is simple.
Overall it was good, but can be improved. So, I hope I helped and good luck!

What do you think about my story's first chapter?
Someone has called it simple yet decriptive. CRITIZE PLEASE!!!

“The murder cases of Sarah Dempsey, Giselle De Luca and Harrison Montgomery are still open and their killer still at large. Police have reason to believe that Parker Morris, a peer of all three, was the murderer.”

Sophie Miller stared blankly at the red-headed reporter on the television screen. Warm steam arose from her “Best-Daughter-in-the-World” coffee mug; her parents got a matching one for her sister, Valery, on her birthday too. It was winter break and Sophie was home from Penn State, to celebrate the holidays with her family. It was a shame that she wasn’t in a “jolly” mood.

The two girls on the television screen were her best friends, and the guy was her boyfriend. Every single time they mention anything about their murders, her mood turns sour and she doesn’t say a word to anyone the entire day. She had to move away from her home in Philadelphia over to Virginia, just because the horrible memories and all press reporters bombarding the house. The only reason she goes to Penn State is because she’d always wanted to. The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years.

~*~

Giselle, Sarah, Harrison and Sophie, along with their other friends Lara Lerman and Preston Vanderbilt, skipped their strict private school and headed over to Sarah’s empty castle-like house. The act of skipping was impulsive, but they found something to do. Sarah’s parents were on their fifth honeymoon, so they sent her with her grandparents three blocks away, so they weren’t going to have someone walking and getting them in trouble. At least that’s what they thought.

Once inside, Sophie remembered the large foyer with two grand staircases on both sides, and the luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun. The quiet giggles and building excitement that was coming from all six of them. Sophie had never been alone with just guys from her age group; she would never imagine she would be alone with boys at that.

Sarah had turned to them, her gray eyes bright with bliss. Her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. She had her pink lips turned up in an innocent smile.

“We can do anything we want here!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Then she looked at Giselle and Lara, giving them a smile.

“Let’s go play ‘Space Monkey’, whoever gets to the top of the stairs first, is the first to go.” She said, immediately running up the stairs. Giselle, Lara and Preston followed. Sophie winced at the thought of the game. ‘Space Monkey’ is just a cover name for the chocking game, something she wasn’t planning on ever doing. She slowly climbed up the stairs, Harrison following her. He didn’t like the game either.

When they got to the top they saw the four of them in Sarah’s bedroom, already started. They had Preston be the Chocker, since he was the strongest. The look on Sarah’s face looked peaceful, Sophie knew if Sarah would have died of strangulation; she’d look like an angel.

Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. Harrison sat down on the floor and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her and she liked him too. She looked at him, his deep green eyes and his fringe dark brown hair. And he was so sweet and kind to her, she was kind of in love.

There was a disturbing yell in the other room, Sarah and Preston, left holding hands running down the stairs. Giselle and Lara appeared around the corner, looking a bit confused.

“What happened?” Sophie asked, a little confused herself. Giselle shrugged and sat next to Harrison. She looked at Lara and patted the floor next to her, signaling her to sit down. Lara shook her head, “I have to use the bathroom, and I’ll be back.” She took off down the stairs, even though there was a bathroom in Sarah’s room.

For a while, the three of them talked about school, life at home and other small talk subjects. Giselle seemed a little pensive, but Sophie decided whatever she was thinking about, was probably personal. Twenty minutes passed and Lara came up the stairs with Preston, gripping his arm tightly. She was frightened by something, and it was obvious. Sophie, Harrison and Giselle looked at them very worried.

“Where’s Sarah?” Harrison asked, looking at Preston’s calm expression.

Lara sniffled, looking down. “She left.” Preston said.

Overall I think it can be really good. The biggest problem I have with it is that it is descriptive, but only 50% in a good way. I like that you use emotionally descriptive words, but the sentences seem like stage direction. An oversimplification to show you would be: "She went to the store. At the store she got a box of cereal. She paid for the cereal and left." It seems a little monotone. There is something off with the flow. It is like you go into short bouts of over description of objects, then some description of events, then some action, and nothing melts seamlessly.
Exp: when you describe Sarah, it interrupts the flow. You have good emotionally descriptive words like bliss and innocent, but overall it seems like you are removing the reader to tell them something separate from the story. It would work better if you could integrate it into the story. The difference between: Her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. and
Sophie always told her that her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly.
I think part of the issue too is that you have a lot of "adj then noun" or "adj then adj then noun" or "adverb then verb" reocurring patterns. You should use more sparingly.
Exp: She slowly climbed up the stairs... could be She climbed up the stairs slowly...
Also, you could try using like or as to describe things sometimes instead of just using descriptive modifiers. i.e. her complexion that was like smooth cream perfectly complimented her ash blond hair. See; mix it up a bit so that it doesn't sound too see saw repetitive.
Also, you could finish your thoughts more. It seems like you rush to get something out and then move onto the next. Build in a little bit extra into the moment to make people feel like what you are telling them is important, and not just something to get to the next point.
Exp: the paragraph with Harrison and Sophie could read something more like:
Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. The sun shone in from the window creating sharp columns of light on the floor. Harrison sat down on the bare wood and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her ever since that one day last April, and although she didn't make it known, she liked him too. Her eyes glanced briefly at him, just quick enough to see his deep green eyes and his dark brown hair that poked up in a fringe. He was so sweet to her that she couldn't help it; she was kind of in love.
The last I would add is about building and releasing. The first 3 paragraphs are a little odd because the 1st one is menacing, the 2nd is sweet, and the 3rd is half ominous half exposition.
You would get a better effect if you consistently built up an emotion before letting it breath. If all 3 paragraphs were menacing (even subtle), and then the story started off more pleasant, then you would have allowed the moment to build, then allowed a release. This will help create stronger emotions in your reader, and make it feel less monotone.
Also, when you describe the choking, then go into the sweet scene in the loft, you are switching between opposing strong emotions without enough of a pause to let the reader transition. You go from menacing to soft and sweet too soon. You need something to redirect the reader from one thing to the other. Otherwise the emotions will seem to be muddy and indistinct.
I think you have a lot of potential, but you need to think more about what it is you want the reader to feel when they are reading, and how best to craft your technique to draw out that response.

Is this a good chapter?
Someone has called it simple yet decriptive. CRITIZE PLEASE!!!

“The murder cases of Sarah Dempsey, Giselle De Luca and Harrison Montgomery are still open and their killer still at large. Police have reason to believe that Parker Morris, a peer of all three, was the murderer.”

Sophie Miller stared blankly at the red-headed reporter on the television screen. Warm steam arose from her “Best-Daughter-in-the-World” coffee mug; her parents got a matching one for her sister, Valery, on her birthday too. It was winter break and Sophie was home from Penn State, to celebrate the holidays with her family. It was a shame that she wasn’t in a “jolly” mood.

The two girls on the television screen were her best friends, and the guy was her boyfriend. Every single time they mention anything about their murders, her mood turns sour and she doesn’t say a word to anyone the entire day. She had to move away from her home in Philadelphia over to Virginia, just because the horrible memories and all press reporters bombarding the house. The only reason she goes to Penn State is because she’d always wanted to. The incident that happened seven years ago sort-of ruined her teen years.

~*~

Giselle, Sarah, Harrison and Sophie, along with their other friends Lara Lerman and Preston Vanderbilt, skipped their strict private school and headed over to Sarah’s empty castle-like house. The act of skipping was impulsive, but they found something to do. Sarah’s parents were on their fifth honeymoon, so they sent her with her grandparents three blocks away, so they weren’t going to have someone walking and getting them in trouble. At least that’s what they thought.

Once inside, Sophie remembered the large foyer with two grand staircases on both sides, and the luminous granite tiled floor that glistened in the early morning sun. The quiet giggles and building excitement that was coming from all six of them. Sophie had never been alone with just guys from her age group; she would never imagine she would be alone with boys at that.

Sarah had turned to them, her gray eyes bright with bliss. Her creamy complexion and blonde hair went together perfectly. She had her pink lips turned up in an innocent smile.

“We can do anything we want here!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Then she looked at Giselle and Lara, giving them a smile.

“Let’s go play ‘Space Monkey’, whoever gets to the top of the stairs first, is the first to go.” She said, immediately running up the stairs. Giselle, Lara and Preston followed. Sophie winced at the thought of the game. ‘Space Monkey’ is just a cover name for the chocking game, something she wasn’t planning on ever doing. She slowly climbed up the stairs, Harrison following her. He didn’t like the game either.

When they got to the top they saw the four of them in Sarah’s bedroom, already started. They had Preston be the Chocker, since he was the strongest. The look on Sarah’s face looked peaceful, Sophie knew if Sarah would have died of strangulation; she’d look like an angel.

Harrison and Sophie walked past the room over to the loft. Harrison sat down on the floor and offered Sophie the armchair. She had known Harrison liked her and she liked him too. She looked at him, his deep green eyes and his fringe dark brown hair. And he was so sweet and kind to her, she was kind of in love.

There was a disturbing yell in the other room, Sarah and Preston, left holding hands running down the stairs. Giselle and Lara appeared around the corner, looking a bit confused.

“What happened?” Sophie asked, a little confused herself. Giselle shrugged and sat next to Harrison. She looked at Lara and patted the floor next to her, signaling her to sit down. Lara shook her head, “I have to use the bathroom, and I’ll be back.” She took off down the stairs, even though there was a bathroom in Sarah’s room.

For a while, the three of them talked about school, life at home and other small talk subjects. Giselle seemed a little pensive, but Sophie decided whatever she was thinking about, was probably personal. Twenty minutes passed and Lara came up the stairs with Preston, gripping his arm tightly. She was frightened by something, and it was obvious. Sophie, Harrison and Giselle looked at them very worried.

“Where’s Sarah?” Harrison asked, looking at Preston’s calm expression.

Lara sniffled, looking down. “She left.” Preston said.

I'm sorry i can't say anything bad about that. Well done.
So what happens next?

What do you think of this?
I stood on the stage and looked out at the audience all sitting in their seats listening to Josh introduce me. ‘Now Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the stage you’re potential winner of ‘Dreams That Glitter’ it’s Alexis Smith”. My heart was beating in my ears, I felt sick and my hands were shaking I was surprised I could still hold the microphone. Suddenly the thousands of people in the audience burst into applause. All the cameras zeroed in on me, and the lights were dimmed only a spotlight shown down from above; the heat of it heating my bare arms. My shaking hands kicked up a notch. This was the part I hated most the waiting. When I was singing all my nerves and fears would disappear and I would enjoy myself. I closed my eyes and the music started. I was singing Bette Midlers ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’

I had chosen this song because it was my favourite. I played it when the world was against me, when I was said, when I as having a bad day but most of all because it reminded me of mum.

I opened my eyes and looked out at the audience; a mixture of people of all ages sat and watched. I spotted my dad a few rows from the front with his new wife, my best friends and their parents; they all were smiling encouragingly. As I began singing the chorus I felt all my nerves and fears disappear and relaxed into it, even the hand shaking stopped. I looked at the cameras singing and dared to think about the millions of people that were sitting watching, waiting for me to slip up, but I wasn’t going to, I wasn’t going to waste the best chance I had been given.

“Did you ever know that you’re my hero and everything I would like to be?” I sang. My eyes fill with tears. I missed her mum so much. I blinked and felt the tears ran down my cheeks. Looking up into the audience, I tried to distract myself by reading some of the signs people were holding up. I smiled.

This was my dream, singing in front of people, making them happy with music. I felt alive when I sang; nothing and no one could bother me. As the song drew to a close I shut my eyes waiting for the audience’s reaction. There was a thunderous applause. I opened my eyes tentively, all the cameras were split between me and the audience. I looked above the cameras to the audience. Everyone was on their feet clapping and cheering. I looked at the three judges all three were on their feet with huge smiles on their faces. Before now I had tried not to look at them. I smiled as I spotted my dad, grinning like a Cheshire cat, Jackie, my step-mum was standing looking bored and moody as usual. I quickly looked away, she wasn’t going to spoil my night. Josh had joined me on the stage. The subject of a lot of teenagers dreams, he had deep chocolate eyes, and floppy blonde hair, that fell into his eyes, he was gorgeous.
“How was that for you Lexi?’ He asked wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer. I could smell his aftershave, Paco Rabanne 1 million, mmm I loved that aftershave.
“Erm...” I replied. What was the question again?
“It was that good huh?”
Oh yeah, how was it?
“It was amazing, words can’t describe it.” I answered looking up at him through my eyelashes.
“I bet it was. Now let’s go to Jessica first. Jessica what did you think of Lexi’s first song tonight?”
Jessica Henry was manager to some of the biggest and best acts and bands today, after a successful singing career in the seventies and eighties. She was now in her late fifties, with short brown hair which she wore spiked up.
“Lexi, Lexi, Lexi that was fantastic-“Another round of cheers went up. “-There’s something about your voice. It so fresh and sweet that was fantastic. Well done.”
When the crowds died down I said thank you and Sophie was next to comment. Sophie was twenty-two, a huge star at the moment, with boobs just as big, which were always on show. She had long blonde hair with piercing green eyes.
“I think I might have some competition,” she told me and I smiled. If I could have half the fame she did I would be happy. “That was amazing and I think you should win the show tonight.” Somehow the cheers got louder. Last to comment on my performance was Steven Dennis.

This is my first attempt to write anything so it may not be perfect and there may be some spelling mistakes.
Basically Dreams that Glitter is a TV reality show, where the contestants have to sing, dance and act.
What do you think? Any suggestions to make it better?

It's a pretty good piece of writing. With a little bit of editing it could be really good, some more vivid descriptions, maybe a little bit more vocabulary.
The story is a little cliche and predictable and i didn't really feel hooked but for your first, it was a very well written with a good structure!
Well done and good luck with future writing endeavors!
:)

Would you tell me, what you think of part of my chaper?
This is not chapter 1 and its not the start of my chapter either, just a part of it, would you tell me what you think of it?

“Ah nice to meet you, so where do we start, sit down darling, and we can go through your schedule, “.
Then she mutters something that sounds a bit like “and your dress sense”. What a *****. Who does she think she is? Just calm down, I mean it wouldn’t be very good to get sacked my first day would it? For one I wouldn’t get my Tiffany teapot. She goes through my schedule while her rat, sorry dog, looks as if it’s about to cock its leg up onto my Jimmy Choos. I give it a quick boot hoping she won't notice. Ha ha it won't try doing that again.

We go down to the first floor and see the studio; she leaves me there telling me my first appointment will be here in five minutes, she mentions the name Bambi Galore. I’ve never even heard of her. Maybe she is big in America. While I wait, I look through some of the clothes that are here for the photo shoot. It's mostly bikinis and underwear. Some are even peek hole bras. What kind of actress is this Bambi Galore? I’ve never had a peek hole bra, so I hold it up against me just out of curiosity. Just then I hear the door open and turn, still holding the bra against me, to see someone walking through with all leathers on and a motorbike helmet.

Oh god this must be her. I walk up and shake her hand. “Hi Bambi I’m Sophie, “
**** I have just shaken her hand with the bra swinging from my wrist. She takes off her helmet, and I expect to see long flowing hair, instead I see a man. All stubble and short cut hair. Not bad looking actually.

“Hi Sophie, nice bra is it yours? “.
Oh god who is he? It’s ok he’s probably just the courier, yep that’s who he will be , I mean who else is he supposed to be , he’s a biker, for crying out loud .

“I’m Mark incase you were wondering, you know the photographer, I’m the one who you will be mostly working with here. Maybe next time we meet you could show me the pants to go with that, “he says, looking at the bra still swinging from my wrist.

Oh I hate him and I don’t even know him. Did I say he was nice looking? Well, he’s not. He’s arrogant and just ugly. Ok maybe not ugly but he is just not my type anyway. He winks at me and goes to set up his cameras. Ok maybe his looks are my type but his personality isn’t, he’s rude, and I don’t like him, his sexy non shaved look or his cheeky smile.

Two seconds later she walks through the door …Bambi Galore. Who the hell is she? She has long blonde hair that flows right down to her flawless J-LO ***. Her lips are massive and on that matter so are her boobs, must be at least a double G. God her back must hurt. Her legs are up to her arm pits. I mean she’s perfect if that’s your kind of thing. She’s followed by a bouncer who is dressed in all black, has a bald head, he is about eighteen stone, and he is carrying a pure white cat.

“Hey sexy, get your sweet *** over here, “shouts Mark.

I turn around and just roll my eyes at him. Get a life I think to myself.

“Mark, gorgeous, “ she screams with one of those voices that goes through you like nails down a chalk board. She then proceeds to run at him and jumps on him like she hasn’t seen a man in years. They must be together I’m thinking because Mark is now slapping her bum, and she is giggling hysterically.

“Hi Bambi, I’m Sophie let's get started shall we? “ She then goes on to tell me she is no starting until Tinkerbelle (the bloody cat) has got a bed to lie in. I mean if it's that important, why didn’t she bring a ******* bed with her? Twenty minutes later we start; after some poor errand girl has had to run down to Saks and buy a deluxe cat bed.
She is shooting her calendar, and I dress her in the underwear and bikinis from the rail .For December, she has nothing on, and I can just tell Mark is loving it.

The shoot takes about three hours, and finally she leaves. I go to leave also to go back to the comfort of my office and a couple of head ache tablets when Mark says he is leaving and will see me tomorrow. He seems to be in a rush. I heard Bambi and him talking about meeting at some club later. Well, she practically begged him to go if you ask me. I mean I don’t really care, all I have been thinking about is my teapot that I’m going to buy in about another three hours. I might just even put it on the company credit card that Lydia gave me this morning and told me to buy myself some new clothes for work. Oh that would piss her right off. I mean I have clothes for work. I don’t have a tiffany teapot.

your forcing it. The details are there, but it sounds like you have not taken a breath through the whole thing. slow down just a little. You have room to get things out.
and what's the deal with the teapot? Are you writing the rest of the book in first person? and why so much language? that was 6 swear words in as many paragraphs, I realize you are trying to capture the way this girl thinks and her surroundings, but your a writer. don't undervalue yourself by using those words to convey the feelings of the characters, a couple are alright, but don't overdo it. Be creative. those words just cheat you of being a great writer. Ask any novelist, they will advise against it.
Hope that helps. goodluck